"If I Were The Devil"

A Commentary From 1965 Is Updated

I grew up on a farm in Wisconsin, which means that I was introduced to a life of hard labor at a tender age. The timely feeding of animals, cleaning of their pens, planting and then harvesting of crops, and all the other routines of farm life result in an unyielding schedule. Things have to be done at a certain time and in a certain order. Thus, the meeting of deadlines and slavery to the clock were instilled in me, early in life.

One of the more pleasant routines was lunch time. At exactly noon, we would lay down whatever tools we were working with on this day, and head to the house for an hour of lunch and perhaps a quick nap, before heading back to work at exactly one o’clock. During that lunch, my parents always had the AM radio tuned to a Sheboygan radio station that carried a noon newscast, capped off by a commentary from a man by the name of Paul Harvey.

Harvey was a broadcaster for the ABC radio network, who lived and worked in Chicago, and delivered a daily dose of conservative thinking that was, in that time, hard to argue with. He was an intelligent, thoughtful man, whose insights into the world presented a graceful challenge to opposing fields of thought. His influence may well have been one of the forces that nudged my life into the world of journalism.

So it was a delight for me to receive an email from one of my Distant Perspective readers with a link to a 1965 recording of Paul Harvey as he delivered an essay he titled, “If I Were The Devil”. In the recording, Harvey describes the things he would bring to this world if he were the satanic leader, hell-bent on taking over.

Harvey’s to-do list for the devil begins with controlling The United States by destroying its moral fiber with whispers that “the Bible is a myth” and “Man created God”. From there he would move on to filling entertainment with “lurid literature” and “dirtier movies”. Drugs, alcohol, STD’s and gambling would come into play. Harvey concludes his commentary by saying, “I’d just keep right on doing what he’s doing.”

This commentary is 59 years old, and in listening to it, I realized that Mr. Harvey is indeed espousing the roots of true conservative political thinking. His positions are clear, his beliefs are well formed. From a political view, the points he makes are reasonable, though they can be debated from a more liberal-minded perspective. For example, I completely disagree with his back-handed approval of censorship. After all, it can be argued that even the Bible itself contains a good many “lurid” stories. Yet, his is an entirely respectable point of view presented in a convincing way. He was a conservative, who’s motivation as such was pure.

The essay could indeed stand the test of time and be as valid today as the day Harvey gave voice to it. However, the brand of “conservatism” he champions is nothing like the RepubliCult Party of today. So, with apologies to the late, great Mister Paul Harvey, I respectfully submit my updated version of his idea for this commentary:

If I Were The Devil

If I were the Devil,

The source of all evil.

The World, that beautiful blue orb,

Would be the one place I would want to absorb.

I would fill people’s minds with hilarious quips.

I’d tell so many lies that their weight could sink ships.

I’d say, “I am your Savior. I’ve been sent from above.”

Forget about truth, it’s my forked tongue that you love.

I’d wear my hair in a cloud, and serve salads of word.

My mouth would be loud. Truth would die by my sword.

If I were the Devil, I’d drive thinking folks crazy.

I’d roam through the minds of the weak and the lazy.

The more I got caught, the more I would mock.

Those who expose my truth, could get themselves shot.

If I were the Devil,

I’d raise the noise level.

I’d wear a hair cloud, and call it a halo.

When my opponents go high, I can’t wait to go low.

The Devil won’t come with fire and green scales.

I’ll hold clenched fists high, and hide in the details.

“I alone can fix it,” I’ll proclaim to the nation.

I’ll look skyward as though that’s my destination.

I’ll stir up my words ‘til they make your head spin

You’ll think my deeds good, when they’re really a sin.

“I am your warrior,” offering you my solution.

I’ll say, “follow me. I am your retribution.”

You’ll fall for my lies and pledge all to me,

because that’s how I work. I’m the Devil, you see.